Ruth?
by HR always live on
Summary: Another take from the end of 10-6. Starting quite similar to others, but I hope to go off on my own tangent soon. HR Now complete!
1. Chapter 1

**This is what I spent a three hour train ride writing. Another take from the end of 10-6...**

* * *

Ruth smiled. She'd just asked Harry to leave the service with her, and he had said nothing at all in response, her had simply looked at her. But the look on his face spoke volumes. His hand was clasped tightly in hers and his warmth was at odds of the cold air around them. Ruth turned as she felt someone watching her, spook instincts on full alert. Sasha Gavrik was approaching them, and to say he looked unhappy was an understatement.

"Go back to the bunker," Harry said immediately. She ignored him. She wasn't going to leave him alone, she couldn't.

"You gave him the key didn't you?" Sasha said to Harry.

"I had no choice," Harry replied. "Go back to the bunker," he repeated to Ruth. Again she ignored him.

"You knew he'd kill her," Sasha continued. "Didn't you?"

"I'm sorry Sasha," he said sincerely.

"Harry…" Ruth started, the warning tone clear in her voice. "Sasha, it was me. I gave the key to your father. Its not Harry's fault."

"She's lying," Harry said instantly even though ice was filling his veins at what Ruth was trying to do.

Everything then happened exceedingly quickly. Ruth stepped in front of Harry and Sasha lunged towards her. He stabbed her. Dimitri quickly shot Sasha in the leg to disable him and both injured people fell to the ground at exactly the same second. Harry closed the gap between them and held Ruth just before she hit the earth.

"No, no, no," he said almost to himself. "This can't be happening, please."

"Harry…" she whispered quietly.

"You're going to be okay," he said reassuringly. "I promise."

"I can't breathe."

"Okay," Harry said. He applied pressure to her chest wound and she moaned quietly. Distantly he heard Erin calling for medical help but he couldn't pay that any attention now. He had to concentrate on Ruth, who he would make sure would not be dying in his arms. Not like this, not when they'd got so close.

"That hurts," she complained in a quiet voice.

"I know," he said. "I have to keep my hand there to stop the bleeding."

"I'm not stupid Harry, I know how it works," she said, a ghost of a smile on her face. He smiled back even though it felt like his heart was breaking. She closed her eyes and he felt total fear grip him.

"Look at me," he demanded. Her eyelids fluttered slightly but didn't open. He slapped her face lightly with his free hand and shouted at her this time. "Open your eyes! Now!"

"Don't shout," she whispered.

"Okay," he agreed. "Talk to me," he said. "I need to keep you conscious until the paramedics get here."

"That bad?" she asked. He was silent. "Oh God," she whispered. "I don't want to die. There's so much I want to do yet."

"Then keep talking," Harry replied, trying to buy time. "Because I don't want you to die either." He cradled her face, shocked by how cold her skin was. "Tell me about your house."

"Okay," she said. "Its got a gorgeous green front door. The paints all peeling and it looks really old. Its perfect. I love it. She said I'd want to change it, but I'd leave it exactly how it is."

"I don't doubt it," he said with a smile, trying to hide his fear for her life. "What else? How many bedrooms has it got?"

"Two," she said with a gasp. It was clear that breathing was becoming increasingly difficult for her and he pushed on her wound harder. "One's not really big enough for a bedroom though. I thought it could be your study."

"What?" he asked quietly.

"I wanted it for us," she admitted shyly, with a slight smile. "I wanted us to leave all the lies and the double lives and the spying behind. To have something normal for once. It was my dream. Maybe it was naïve."

"You're not naïve," he said, thinking of that time all those years before when he asked her to dinner on the rooftop.

"How long until help…"

"No, no, no," he said instantly as her eyes shut and she was no longer gasping for breath. In fact it looked like she wasn't breathing at all. "Open your eyes Ruth, come on!"

"Harry move," a voice said behind him. He did a fraction but it was enough. Dimitri injected a vial of adrenaline into her and they all waited for her to respond. She didn't.

"No," he said quietly. "Please. Please Ruth don't do this to me. I can't bear it." No response. The tears started from a man who hadn't cried in years. He leaned over her beautiful figure and pressed his lips to hers, something he should have done a hell of a lot more often when she was alive. That was when he felt it. A slight rush of air against his lips. He couldn't believe it. He drew back and put his fingers across her mouth, waiting for it to happen again. Inexplicably it did.

"She's still breathing," Harry said to Erin who was just behind him.

"Are you sure?" Erin said in surprise.

"Yes, slightly but its still there." Suddenly the peace of the countryside was broken by the noise of a helicopter approaching. "Keep breathing," he whispered to her. "Please don't give up. Just keep breathing." He had no idea if it had any effect at all but it was all he could do.

* * *

Harry was sitting in the hospital waiting room, clasping his shaking hands together and trying to get hold of some semblance of normality. He had used every trick he had in the book to try and get him updated of Ruth's condition as fast as humanly possible. The safety of the nation depended on it. He had a knighthood, and needed to know how she was doing. The Home Secretary's most prized and valued worker could be dying. It was essential that he know the details of her condition. However, one of the surgeons had not been intimidated by him, and correctly pointed out that he was sure Harry would prefer their best surgeons to be working on saving her life, rather than delivering messages to him about her condition. He had conceded that that was in fact correct, leaving himself in a state close to nervous collapse while waiting for news.

Erin was opposite him, waiting news as well. Dimitri and Callum had returned to the grid, both men thinking that she had much more tact than either of them put together should the worst happen. "She'll pull through," Erin said. Harry ignored her. He wasn't able to put words into a coherent sentence, so he wasn't going to waste time trying. "The longer they take, the better. If she'd… if it was bad news you'd know by now."

"I know Erin," he said, trying to get her to shut up. She seemed to take the hint and fell silent, while they waited for news. Waited for anything.


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm back from my Westlife concerts in Cardiff with a lighter wallet and a very hoarse voice. I am still working on Harry's diary but I need to find time to watch 8-8 before updating it. Thanks for all the reviews, and here's part two...**

* * *

Daylight had faded and still they sat in the waiting room. "Shouldn't you go home and look after Rosie?"

"She's fine," Erin said quickly. "I'm worried about Ruth too. Not as much as you, but I am worried."

"Thank you," Harry said, half a smile on his face.

"Harry," Erin said in a warning voice. He turned to see a surgeon walking towards him and he stood up, wondering if his legs would actually continue to support himself if it was bad news.

"How is she?" he asked desperately.

"She's doing okay," he said, and Harry let out a sigh of relief.

"She's alive?"

"She is alive," the doctor said, nodding. "We've repaired the hole in her lung. Whatever she was stabbed with was curved so it was difficult to stitch up, but we managed it. She arrested on the operating table. Twice. Her heart stopped for almost two minutes each time, but we got her back," the doctor said quickly at the look of horror on Harry's face. "Because of this we don't know whether she will wake up or not."

"Oh," Harry said quietly. "She could still… die?"

"Yes, she could," the doctor said honestly. "It all depends on her now. She needs to have the will to fight this."

Harry nodded mutely. He couldn't think of anything to say. "Will there be any side effects?" Erin asked over his shoulder. "Because her heart stopped?"

"We won't know that until she wakes up. We have run an EEG on her, and her brain activity is within normal limits which is a good sign." Harry nodded his thanks.

"Where is she?"

"Room 109. Down the corridor and turn right."

"Thank you." Harry followed the directions and paused with his hand on the door. Ruth had always been so aware and alert of everything going on when they were on the grid. To know that she was unconscious just a few feet away from him was mind boggling. He took a deep breath and opened the door. His breath caught as he saw her lying in a hospital bed, attached to so many machines and a tube down her throat breathing for her.

"Oh God Ruth," he whispered at her immobile figure. He moved across the room and sat next to her, taking her hand but being careful not to move her more than necessary. He didn't want to hurt her. "Why did you do that? Why did you get in Sasha's way? He wanted to hurt me, not you." Even as he spoke he considered that Sasha had in fact hurt him more than any physical attack would ever do. Seeing Ruth helpless was not anything he ever wanted to experience. "I need you to fight," he said to her. "I can't lose you, please fight it. I know you don't want to die. Please." He leaned over her and kissed her forehead, brushing her hair aside. "I need you."

* * *

Three days later he was still there, holding her hand and praying that she would wake up. The doctors had reminded him that they didn't know what her condition would be if she woke up. Harry didn't care. He didn't care if she never walked again, which he'd been told could happen. He didn't care about much of anything anymore. "Wake up," he whispered, brushing her hair away from her face. "Please wake up." He kissed her hand and then stopped moving. He thought she'd made a noise. "Ruth?" He waited and then, just when he felt his heart drop all the way to hell, her fingers twitched. She moved her hand and he watched, a smile on his face. She was moving. Her hand rose to her mouth and she groaned. Harry hit the call button instantly. The tube was still down her throat and she was pointlessly trying to pull it out, clearly in pain and discomfort.

"Stop it," Harry said instantly, pulling her hand away as her eyes opened and looked at him in fear. "Wait for the nurse, they'll take it out in a second." She groaned in pain again. Harry pushed the call button again in desperation, just as a nurse arrived. "She's trying to take the tube out," Harry explained quickly. She nodded and quickly moved towards her, taking her breathing tube away. She gasped when she could breathe freely again.

"That's better," she whispered before slipping into sleep.

"No, no, no. Wake up," Harry said firmly and loudly.

"Let her be," one of the nurses said. "She needs time to heal. Just let her sleep."

"I'm scared if I let her sleep she'll die," Harry said honestly.

"She's breathing on her own," she replied. "It's a good sign. The fact that she came around long enough to want the intubation tube out is really good. But if you don't believe me, I'll get the doctor to have a word with you. After all, I'm just a nurse. Doesn't matter that I've been working here twenty years." She said the last with bitterness as if she was used to being disbelieved.

"What's your name?"

"Catherine," the nurse replied. Harry smiled, briefly thinking of his daughter who shared the same name.

"I trust you," he said. "But I would appreciate it if you let doctor Evans know about her… change."

"I know how to do my job," she said with a smile. "Go home and get some sleep, you've been here for days."

"I can't," he said. "I have to be here when she wakes up. Its my fault she's here in the first place."

"Its all the same waiting," Catherine said. "Here or at home, she won't know any different."

"I have to be here," Harry said, as Catherine had known he would.

"Well, at least get something to eat. Its not healthy. When's the last time you ate?"

"I can't remember," he admitted. "Probably at some point before I was delivered to the CIA like an early Christmas gift." Catherine's eyes widened slightly, unsure as to whether he was serious. "Never mind. Can you watch over her while I'm gone?"

"Of course," she said, smiling.

"I won't be long."

"I know you won't."

Harry nodded once, and then turned to Ruth. He kissed her lips softly. "I'll be right back my darling," he whispered to her. "I promise, so don't go anywhere, like slipping into unconsciousness." He kissed her once more and then left, unconcerned that Catherine had been watching the whole time. "Please don't leave her."

"I won't," she replied. Harry nodded, knowing there was only so much time he could go on without food, even in spite of the critical condition Ruth was in. Catherine closed the door behind Harry and turned to the sleeping woman. "I don't know who you are but you have got a man who is desperately in love with you. I think we'd all rather prefer it if you came around. Because if you die, he'll be suing us for malpractice." Ruth still stayed immobile and Catherine sighed. She sat down next to the patient and waited until Harry came back. She knew he wouldn't be long.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry had to admit that he felt slightly better after having had a decent meal. For hospital food it hadn't been that bad either. As soon as he was finished he returned to Ruth's room and was disappointed (and maybe a little relieved?) that nothing had changed in his absence. He stroked her hand repeatedly over the next four hours to the reassuring, if slightly annoying regular beat of the hospital machines.

"Where am I?" He looked up at her face and saw her eyes open and staring at the ceiling. "What happened?" she added in a very hoarse voice from the tubes. Ruth turned to him when he started speaking.

"You're in hospital," Harry said immediately. "You're going to be okay. The doctors fixed your lung, now you're awake it's all looking good. We were just waiting for you to come around."

"But… what happened?"

"Sasha stabbed you," Harry said slowly. "Don't you remember?"

"No," she said, her eyes wide. "I… I don't remember anything. Oh my God, there's nothing there. Its all blank."

"Look at me," Harry said in a firm voice, trying not to betray how much of his life and soul depended on the answer to the next question. "Do you know my name?"

"No," she said simply. "I don't. Oh my God. I don't know **my** name. I don't know anything. What am I going to do? Oh God! I just…"

"Stop," Harry said forcefully enough that she looked at him, a question in her eyes. "I need you to take deep breaths. You've just come out of unconsciousness, and I do not need you putting yourself back there because of your worrying, do you hear me?" She nodded once, knowing he was right. "Any better?" he asked once her breathing had slowed down to normal.

"A bit," she admitted.

"Now, I am going to get a doctor. Do not panic, and I will be right back."

"Okay," she breathed, a very nervous smile on her face. "Come… come back won't you?"

"Of course I will." He desperately wanted to kiss her but knew unequivocally that that was exactly the wrong thing to do. He settled for squeezing her hand before he left the room. Once outside he closed his eyes and tried to stop himself from shaking. She didn't know anything about them. She'd forgotten it all. She didn't know how much he needed her and how much he loved her. She'd forgotten everything.

"Harry?" He looked up and saw Doctor Evans looking at him curiously.

"She's awake," he said in a low voice.

"Oh!" he said in surprise. "What's wrong with her, you look upset."

"She doesn't remember," Harry said. "She doesn't even know her own name, let alone mine. Its not there. I was just taking a minute to try and breathe before finding you."  
"I'm going to go and have a look at her," doctor Evans said. "Keep calm."

"Okay," Harry said all but collapsing into a hospital chair. He closed his eyes and put his head in his hands, rubbing his temples, as if this was all a bad nightmare that would soon go away.

* * *

Ruth sat up when the door opened, and then wished she hadn't as the wound on her chest twinged painfully in protest. "Its good to see you awake," the stranger said. "I'm doctor Evans. I've been taking care of you for the last few days."

"I can't remember anything," she blurted out. "Nothing, its just all gone blank. There's nothing there except whiteness."

"Can I do a physical check before we worry about that?" the doctor asked. "After all if you bleed to death from your stab wound, you're unlikely to care about the state of your memory." She smiled slightly at that and moved so he could have a look at her injury. He was silent as he very gently probed the wound, checking to make sure everything was okay. "It looks like its healing well. We've been doing CT scans everyday to make sure there's no residual bleeding, but today will be your last one. You're awake and alert, there's no need to any longer."

"But…" she started harshly.

"Your memory," the doctor finished. "When we were repairing your lung your heart stopped on the table twice. We managed to get you back, but your brain went without oxygen for a long time. We didn't know what the damage would be or even if you would wake up. This is a side effect from your heart stopping."

"Is it permanent?" Ruth asked, wondering if she would have to restart her life again.

"We don't know. There's no way we can figure that out. Only time will tell I'm afraid."

"How perfectly unhelpful." The doctor laughed and she glared at him. "Can you tell me my name?"

"We're not supposed to give amnesiacs any information," he said slowly.

"Oh for Gods sake," she said, exasperated. "How the hell am I meant to get on with everything if I don't even have a name?"

"Ruth," he said after a moments pause. "Your name is Ruth."

"Thank you," she said. Unfortunately it hadn't stirred any long lost memories so she closed her eyes, willing to think of something. The doctor left her alone all the while she wished she could remember something from her life.

* * *

The next time she opened her eyes she found the same man who'd been with her when she woke up watching her. "Hi," she said in a tired voice.

"Its good to see you awake," he said. She smiled even though she had no idea who this man was.

"I don't mean to sound rude or ungrateful, but who are you?"

"I've been told not to tell you," Harry said sadly.

"Would your first name really hurt?" she asked, her eyes twinkling like the Ruth of old.

"No, I suppose not," he said smiling. "Harry."

"Harry," she repeated. "I'll try not to forget."

"Its okay," he said, even though it wasn't. Suddenly her eyes felt very heavy. She wanted to stay awake but was finding it very difficult. "Its okay," he repeated. "You can go to sleep."

"Mm," she murmured with a smile. She closed her eyes and was soon drifting away.

* * *

"Is it normal for her to be sleeping this much?" Harry asked the doctor when he was sure that Ruth wasn't going to wake up in the next five minutes.

"Yes," he replied. "We gave her a lot of drugs to help with her breathing and to restart her heart when she arrested. They're working their way out of her system now so she's very tired. Plus that wasn't a small wound she was trying to recover from either. Life threatening, and I'm amazed that she even made it to the hospital alive."

"But she did," Harry said, more to himself than to anyone else. "She did."

* * *

"… Harry?"

"You're awake again," he said, pleased as Ruth's eyes fluttered open. She smiled. "How do you feel?"

"Sore and blank," she said accurately. "I want to sit up, can you… help?"

"Of course," he said. Gently he moved her so she was sitting and she only grimaced in pain once.

"Thank you," she said. "Tell me about you. How do I know you?"

"I'm not supposed to…" Harry started.

"Then its going to be a very short conversation," she said accurately. "You're the only one who's come to visit me so far. Do I have any friends or family?"

"I'd say you have friends," Harry said accurately. The people you work with, I've told them to leave you alone for a bit, I didn't want you to be overwhelmed."

"Okay," Ruth said slowly.

"You're not married and you don't have any children," he said slowly, his heart almost breaking as he said the words.

"I'm not wearing a ring so that doesn't surprise me," she said nodding. Harry felt like screaming at her. _You would have been if you'd said yes_, and things similar. But he kept reminding himself that this was not her fault. She was alive and that was the most important thing. "Why are you always here when I'm awake? What is there between us? I can see from the way you look at me that there's something."

"That's complicated," he said slowly. "I'm not going to go into it with you. Not like this, it might be too much for you."

"Is there any point arguing with you?" she asked.

"No." Ruth smiled at this stranger with hazel eyes that looked at her very intensely, this kind man who didn't seem to want to leave her alone. Who was he? What had she done to deserve such kindness? Why did he feel the need to be here for days on end?

"You're thinking," he interrupted.

"Yes," she admitted. "Trying to work out why you're still here."

"Coming up with anything?" he asked, hoping he was hiding the desire he felt for a memory to resurface.

"No."

"It'll come back soon," Harry said with confidence he didn't feel.

"Do you really think so?" she asked after a moment, watching him, waiting for a flicker of recognition to light up in her own brain.

"Yes," he said with a smile which warmed her heart in spite of herself. She smiled back.

* * *

**Not sure where to go from here, but I'm sure I'll get there! Hope you enjoyed this instalment.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I've started working on a Grey's Anatomy fic, so my updates for this might turn quite slow. In the meantime, thank you for the lovely reviews, and here's the next part. Also, I'm completely making up all medical information.**

* * *

Ruth looked around as the door opened. A brunette she didn't recognise walked in, a smile on her face. "Harry said you might be up for some visitors. How are you feeling?"

"A bit sore but generally okay," Ruth replied. "Did Harry tell you about my… mental problem?"

"Yes," the unknown brunette said. "He had to tie some things up at work, but I thought I'd pay you a visit."

"I don't know who you are," Ruth said. "I'm sorry, I just don't know."

"I work with you," she said. "Both you and Harry. I've been told not to tell you more."

"This is getting bloody frustrating!" Ruth said. "I don't know anything!"

"Erin," she replied with a smile. "My names Erin."

"Okay," Ruth said. "Thanks. So what work do we do?"

"Its complicated."

"Those two words are already getting boring," Ruth said. "By the way, how did I get stabbed? Am I a horrible person and someone had just had enough of me?"

"No," Erin said with a smile. "I don't suppose it could hurt to tell you. Someone went for Harry with a long and sharp piece of glass. You got in the way to stop him from being hurt."

"Why?" she asked confused.

"Only you know why," Erin said. "Or before you lost your memory anyway."

"Erin, can you get me out of here?" Ruth said quickly. "I'd ask Harry, but you're the one here, and I can't keep staring at these four walls. Please."

"I'll see what I can do," Erin said. "Harry'll be here soon though. He won't be able to stay away."

"Okay," Ruth said happily. "Sorry I'm being such a moody cow. I'm just very frustrated."

"You're doing okay all things considered," Erin said with a smile. "I'll see if I can get you discharged."

"Thanks," Ruth said as Erin left the room. It only took about ten minutes until the door opened and Harry came back, smiling at her. She felt her heart lift at a friendly face and smiled back.

"Apparently you want to get out of here," he said, sitting next to her.

"Yes please," she said with wide eyes, pleading with him.

"Well, I've been having a word with the doctors, and there's two conditions on you going home," Harry said, squeezing her hand lightly.

"Mm. Which are?" she asked.

"You're on strict bed rest and you need someone looking after you," Harry said.

"Perfect," she said rolling her eyes slightly. "What kind of damage do you think I could possibly do?"

"I'm not answering that," Harry said with a smile. "First thing tomorrow you can go home. They've given me a number for a nursing service, if you want me to call."

"I thought maybe you could…" Ruth started. "Never mind, its stupid." She shook her head and ran a hand over her face to hide her embarrassment.

"Hey," he said quietly. "I want to look after you. But I thought it might be a bit presumptuous of me, so I thought you might be more comfortable with someone else. As much as it hurts me, you don't know me. I could be a psychotic murderer for all you know."

"Yeah, but you're not," Ruth said with a smile. "I trust you. I don't know if I should, but I do. I don't want to make your life more complicated so if you have other things to do…"

"Of course I don't," he said. "If you want me to, I'd love to."

"Okay," she said, a broad smile all over her face. "That's settled then. Thank you."

"You're more than welcome," he replied. He squeezed her hand and she felt her heart catch at the look of intensity in his hazel eyes before he kissed the back of her hand. She blushed slightly, but was pleased all the same.

* * *

The next morning the doctors were unhappily discharging their amnesiac patient. They wanted her to stay in hospital for a few more days, but Ruth was determined. "I could walk to the car you know," Ruth said grumpily as they tried to make her sit in the wheelchair.

"Mm," Catherine said. "You could also over exert yourself, tear your stitches and bleed to death in the hospital car park. Of course the choice is up to you." Ruth sat in the wheelchair without further complaint as Harry chuckled. The doctor gave her prescription to Harry, perhaps correctly guessing that he'd be more vigilant than she would be. Ruth sat in silence while Harry spoke to the doctors, wondering if when her memory went, she was also reduced to being treated like she couldn't understand anything that was being said.

"Ready to go?"

"Oh, are we talking to me now?" Ruth asked with a raised eyebrow.

Catherine handed her the discharge papers. "Sign at the bottom and you're free to go."

"Thank you," Ruth said quickly taking the forms. Handing them back she caught Harry's eye and he was looking at her curiously. "What?"

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Would you want the only place you could remember to be a tiny hospital room with annoying beeping machines?" she asked.

"Fair point." Harry didn't raise any further complaint as he wheeled her out of the hospital.

* * *

In the car they were silent. Ruth was the first one to break it, feeling that she had to start asking some of the awkward questions. "So, what is there between us? Erin said we work together, but its more than that. It has to be." Still Harry said nothing, concentrating on the road a lot more than strictly necessary. "Are you going to tell me?"

"I don't know if I should," Harry said slowly. "On one hand, I am desperate for you to know the history between us. On the other, I want you to remember it by yourself. So I don't know what to do."

"You could at least give me a vague idea," Ruth said reasonably.

"Okay," Harry started, weighing his words carefully. "We've worked together for several years. We've always had… a connection to each other. Its very difficult to explain. Normally, we're both very private people, and it just simmered under the surface."

"Okay," Ruth said. "Have we… ever…"

"No," he said determinedly not looking at her. "I've kissed you. Twice, both of whih were... very memorable occasions. That's all. Nothing more." She could tell he was lying. There might physically have been nothing more but the way he looked at her told its own story. "We're here," he said interrupting her own thoughts. She looked out of the window but didn't recognise the building in front of her.

"Is this my house or yours?"

"Yours," he replied sadly. "Let me help you get inside." She didn't argue.

* * *

**More when I've figured it out!**


	5. Chapter 5

"Thank you," Ruth breathed as she sat down on the edge of the bed. "For helping me."

"You're welcome," Harry said as she swung her legs into bed. "What can I get you? What can I do for you?"

"Sit and talk to me?" Ruth suggested.

"I'm going to get you a cup of tea, because I want you to drink something, but then I'll be back up. Okay?"

"Mm," Ruth said nodding and smiling. "That'd be good." Five minutes later Harry came up with two steaming mugs. "Thank you," she said wrapping her fingers around it.

"So what do you want to talk about?"

"Tell me what I do for a living. I know I work, but no one seems too bothered with the details," Ruth said.

"It might be a little hard to believe," Harry said. "Sure you want to know?"

"Yes."

"You're the senior intelligence analyst for MI5. Counter terrorism section."

"Right, which means I do what?" Ruth said slowly. Harry sighed and explained what her job entailed, which took a long time. Especially when she started asking questions about what he did. Which when you took out meetings with the cabinet office and staring at Ruth from across the grid didn't actually involve that much. By the time he'd finished evening had fallen.

"If you didn't have an honest face, I might not believe you," Ruth said at the end of it. Harry nodded.

"I'll leave you to sleep," he said quietly.

"No, wait," she said quickly. "I'm meant to change my dressing twice a day. I need help. If you don't mind…?"

"No, of course," he said instantly. "I should have thought of it. I'll get the bandages and be right back."

"Thanks." It only took a minute and he'd returned. Ruth smiled and lifted the hem of her T shirt so he could get to the bandage. He kept breathing, trying to keep steady, remembering that this was more of a medical thing rather than the first time he'd seen expanses of her naked skin. He gently and slowly took the bandage off and gasped at the sight of the red and angry scar. "Is it that bad?" she asked.

"No," he said. "Just a reminder of how close you were to dying. I don't like reminders like that."

She smiled. "Harry?"

"Hmm?" he replied, concentrating on the task at hand.

"You're in love with me aren't you?"

He stopped what he was doing and looked at her instantly.

"I don't know how to answer that," he said quietly. "I don't want to say no to that, but I don't want to say yes either. Not like this."

"I know you are," she said quietly. "I see it in the way you look at me. In the way you touch me."

"Why haven't you been able to bring this up before?" he asked, taping the fresh bandage against her skin.

"Considering I can't remember, I can't answer that question," she said sadly.

"I know," he said, lowering her T shirt over the wound. The tension between them was palpable and she couldn't look away from the fire in his eyes. He didn't look away from her either. Her blue eyes were magnetising and the fact that she was still staring at him gave him the confidence to close the gap between them and lightly kiss her lips. He moaned quietly as their lips melded together and she responded to his touch. His fingers trailed through her hair before he thought that he had to stop this.

"I'm sorry," he breathed, backing away from her. "I shouldn't have done that. I'm really sorry."

"Don't be," she said quietly, brushing her hair away from her face. "It was a nice kiss." He smiled at her sadly. "A very nice kiss," she edited with a smile.

"Look, I'm not going to take advantage of you. You know nothing of our history. I can't kiss you like that until you remember," he said, each word causing him a jolt of pain.

"What if I never remember?" she asked. "What if my life starts from here?"

"Then I am not going to confuse things by kissing you until you're ready," he said. "And you will remember." She pouted gorgeously and it was all he could do to restrain himself.

"I have two options. I can go home, and come over here first thing in the morning, or I can sleep in the spare room, so I'm right down the hall if you need me."

"Sleep down the hall," she said, still smiling.

"You sure?"

"Yes," she said.

He leaned over her and placed a feather light kiss on her temple. "Goodnight Ruth," he whispered. She smiled and settled down in bed, trying to work out her very tangled feelings towards Harry. But that kiss had definitely been worth at least a thousand memories.


	6. Chapter 6

**A long chapter to say thank you for the reviews, and also an apology that I probably won't update until the weekend. Hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

Ruth woke up with a heavenly smell reaching her nose. Rubbing her face she opened her eyes a fraction.

"Good morning," Harry said. She smiled as a plate of bacon and eggs was placed on a tray in front of her.

"That smells so good. How long've you been up?"

"A couple of hours. Its past ten."

"I slept for a while," she said starting to eat.

"You're recovering from surgery. You're allowed," he said, sitting on the side of her bed.

"This is really good Harry," she said honestly.

"Good." He smiled at her.

"Listen, can you get me my black and grey jumper?" she asked. "Its in the top of my wardrobe."

"Of course," he said turning to get it. He closed the door of the wardrobe thinking as he held the item of clothing in question. "Ruth? How did you know your jumper was here?"

"I don't know," she said slowly. "I just said it. I don't know how I knew."

"But you did," he said with a smile, handing the garment over. "You remembered. What else is there?"

"Er… I don't know," she said putting her knife and fork down now that she'd finished. "Look, don't get excited. I just said it, I don't know where it came from and I don't remember anything else."

"Okay," he said, knowing he shouldn't push her. "Do you want help changing your dressing?"

"Yes. If you don't mind," she added, lifting her shirt again. He quickly did it and then gently covered it back up, his fingers lingering on her skin as long as he dared. "Thank you," she said in a low voice, pulling her jumper on.

"I had a thought," Harry said quietly. "You speak several languages. I wondered if I brought your books up. We could see if you could still read them?"

"That sounds like a good idea," she admitted. Harry nodded and quickly went to get her books. Returning with a large stack Ruth's eyes widened. "God, how many languages do I speak?" she asked looking at the pile.

"Quite a few," Harry admitted. "You're a genius you know?"

"I doubt that," she said picking the first one up.

"No, you are," he repeated.

"French?"

"You can read it?"

"Yes," she said. Ruth picked up the next one, a large book with a lot of Chinese on it that Harry didn't have a hope of reading. "Chinese?"

"What's it say?" Harry asked.

"Testing me?"

"No, I genuinely have no idea," Harry said. "Just curious."

"The rise and fall of the Zhou dynasty," she said, looking up at him. "Will that do?"

"Yes," Harry said. "I have to go out for a while. Will you be okay?"

"Of course," she replied. "Got a lot of reading material to keep me busy."

"Do not get out of bed," he said in a firm voice. "And take your painkillers."

"Yes," she said in a weary voice. "I will."

"Good." He squeezed her hand before leaving the house.

* * *

Once in his car he leaned his head against the steering wheel. "Oh, God. I kissed her. I kissed a woman who can't even remember who I am. An amnesiac who had just come out of major surgery. What the hell is wrong with me?" Breathing heavily he tried hard to forget the feel of her lips moving against his. What did it mean that she felt for him if she reacted to his touch like that. Was it simply because he was the one taking care of her? Or was it deeper than that? Sighing he switched the engine on and drove to the grid. He had to finish some things off.

* * *

Ruth had got out of bed about an hour after she was left alone and gone down to the kitchen. She knew Harry wouldn't let her walk around the house so she was using the time to full advantage. She was trying to think of anything relating to Harry from before her accident. If she concentrated she seemed to get dim images of him, but nothing substantial came to mind. After ten minutes of closing her eyes and trying to remember she sighed in frustration. Deciding to distract herself she sat down at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and started to read the paper. It was nearly two weeks old but as she didn't remember she supposed no harm would do from reading it again. She was about halfway through when the front door unlocked. She paused, her mug halfway to her lips, knowing Harry wouldn't be happy.

"You should be in bed," he said, half a smile on his face.

"Mm, and you should be at work but I'm not complaining," she replied.

"The difference is work can be avoided, your health and wellbeing can't be," Harry said. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," she said. "I wouldn't have gotten up if I was feeling shaky."

"Mm," Harry agreed reluctantly. He was halfway to kissing her hair when he remembered he couldn't do that. "Tell me you've taken your painkillers."

"Yes, I have," she said, rolling her eyes. "Can you help me wash my hair. I hate to ask but…"

"No, of course," he said with a smile. "Have you… remembered anything?"

"I've had a couple of flashes of your face, but nothing concrete at all. I am trying but…" she said. "Sorry."

"Its not your fault," he said quickly.

"Even so, I still feel guilty," she said. "I can't help it."

"Sounds like you," he said. He elaborated at her confused look "Feeling guilty when its not your fault. Its just very you, that's all."

"So, do you want to help me wash me hair?" she asked. Harry refrained from saying the first thing that came into his mind. Namely that having her naked in the bath was his idea of heaven.

"Of course I'll help."

* * *

He turned the taps off and looked at Ruth, relieved that she was still smiling. Nervously, but smiling. "I need a hand." Harry took her T shirt and pulled it off. Keeping his eyes averted he took the bandage off and then pulled her pyjama bottoms off, as she kept a hand on his shoulders to support herself. When Harry straightened up, she was blushing, her nerves coming to the front of everything else.

"I wish I didn't need help," she said bitterly.

"Its okay," he said, even though his heart rate was sky rocketing. He knew it shouldn't be, but he couldn't help it. "I won't look." She nodded and turned her back to him. With slightly shaking hands he unclasped her bra and she took it off.

"Thank you," she whispered. He made sure his eyes were at shoulder height as his hands went down to her hips, to help her knickers off. She sighed as she gripped hold of his hand and got in the bath. She hissed in pain as the water lapped at her wound.

"Are you okay?" he asked, both concerned and half heartedly trying not to look at her naked figure.

"Yeah," she said as she settled in the water. Ruth looked at him and was half amused, half touched that he was staring at the floor. "You can look," she said with a smile as the bubbles were covering her modesty. He looked up, expecting to see Ruth in the bath. What he hadn't expected was to see her damp skin glistening with the water, looking very desirable as her blue eyes winked at him. "Are you alright?" she asked.

"Mm," he agreed. "Just lowering my blood pressure." She blushed but smiled at the same time. He kneeled down by the top of the bath and leaned her back, pouring water over her hair as he massaged her scalp.

"That's nice," she said quietly.

"Shampoo is in the bathroom cabinet," Ruth said. "White bottle on the top." He looked at her for a second. "Just get it." Harry did and for a moment she wondered how he looked so gorgeous in a rumpled, slightly splashed shirt. She bit her lip and felt a stirring of desire in spite of herself. He turned back to her with the shampoo bottle and caught the look on her face.

"What?"

"Nothing," she said. "Just thinking." He nodded and approached her, lathering the shampoo on her head. She might not have her memory but she would have to be deaf and blind as well to miss the inescapable tension between them. He rinsed her hair carefully and she sat up, the water level dangerously low on her breasts. His eyes were drawn to her body before he reluctantly drew back to her face. He watched her and knew that she knew what she was doing to him. Her eyes were burning at him.

"Ruth…" he murmured quietly, unable to look away from her, shaking his head slightly.

"What?" she asked just above a whisper. She leaned towards him, as far as the bath would allow her to and his restraint cracked. He kissed her soft damp lips and let his fingers tangle in her wet hair, pulling her close. His tongue darted out against her lips and she opened her mouth instantly. She moaned a quiet sound that reverberated through him and he reached an arm around her, completely ignoring the water. She pushed herself even closer as his tongue explored her mouth. Feeling her touch, tasting her sweetness like he'd wanted for years. It took a few seconds but he pulled away.

"No…" He groaned and was breathing heavily as her eyes opened.

"Why?" she asked quietly, confusion over her face.

"I can't," he replied, even though his body was arguing with him. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I want to," she said simply.

"Why do you want to?"

She sighed. "Because I'm attracted to you," she said honestly. "And I'm naked in the bath."

"You're recovering from surgery," he said, trying to put things in perspective for both of them. "You have amnesia. I can't take advantage of you."

"You could," she said blushing and biting her lip at the same time.

"No, I couldn't," he said firmly. "I want to, I really want to, but I won't."

"Okay," she said, nodding even though her mind was screaming in protest. "You're a good man. Can you help me stand up and get me a towel please?" she said, eyes still flashing at him. A look he recognised well from spending many years on the grid with her. A "you're frustrating me" look. He just never expected it to be directed at him when saying no to amorous encounters. Not with her. He turned and picked up a bath towel and held it out to her, as well as his arm so that she could stand up. "Thank you," she said as she became vertical once more. He wrapped her up in the towel and she froze, eyes wide.

"Ruth? What is it? What's wrong?" he asked instantly.

"Water," she said slowly.

"I'm missing something," Harry said as she stepped out of the bath and leant against the side of it.

"You're saying goodbye to me by the river. Its freezing. So cold and I'm getting on a boat. Leaving. That happened didn't it?"

"Yes," Harry said eventually, feeling cold at the mention of Cotterdam. "That did happen. Do you remember anything else?"

"No," she said slowly. "Just that day. Leaving London. Leaving you." She fell into silecne which Harry didn't want to break in case any other revelations were forthcoming. She didn't say anything and after a while simply looked at him.

"Lets get you to bed," he said eventually.

"That could be seen as a really cheesy chat up line," Ruth said with a smile. "After all, it can't be later than twoin the afternoon."

"You need your rest," he said firmly. "You should get some sleep."

"Okay," she said, not resisting. Instead she let him help her into her bedroom and into her bed. It didn't take long after her head had hit the pillow for her eyes to drift closed.


	7. Chapter 7

Ruth was awake but she had her eyes tightly closed. She was trying hard to focus on the one memory she'd been able to recover. The rocking of the boat as she'd sailed out of London, the pain of having to say goodbye to Harry. After a good ten minutes, no other memory returned to her so she opened her eyes and stretched slightly, with the dawn of another day. She closed her eyes and this time she tried to focus on Harry, her relationship with him since she'd come out of unconsciousness. The way he looked at her, the way he treated her and how much she felt for him. She felt very torn about the day before. While on the one hand she'd have liked for something more to happen, in fact she'd really have loved it, she respected that he was too decent to "take advantage" of her. Which meant she was more determined than ever to get her memory back. If only she knew how.

"Are you awake?" She turned over and faced the door immediately, smiling at him.

"Just about," she said.

"Well, your doctors here," Harry said softly. "He wants to check how you're doing, since you discharged yourself from hospital."

"Oh," Ruth said. "Maybe he'll tell me I can get out of bed."

"You'll get up when you're well," Harry said. "Stop being stubborn."

"Stubborn old mule," Ruth replied. "Am I right that you once called me that?"

"Yes," Harry said, his eyes burning. "I did. I didn't mean it, even at the time. You were just frustrating me."

"Ah well," she said sitting up slightly. "Let him in. Tell him I can't take being on bed rest any longer." Harry rolled his eyes but said nothing, leaving the room as Doctor Evans took his place.

"How are you feeling Ruth?" he asked with a smile.

"Fine. Shouldn't you be at the hospital rather than making house calls?" she asked.

"Yes I should be," he agreed as she lowered the duvet. "But I didn't want you to discharge yourself so I thought I'd see how you were doing." Ruth nodded and was silent as he examined the wound.

"How is it?" she asked.

"Healing well," he said. "I think you can be cleared for some light exercise now. You certainly don't have to be in bed all the time."

"Good," she said fervently, sitting up. "Can you tell Harry that, I'm not sure I'll be believed.

"Take it easy," he replied. "You don't want to overdo it."

"Not bloody likely with Harry watching me like a hawk," she replied, but she was smiling anyway.

"How's your memory coming?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I get flashes of faces," Ruth said. "Not in any context which is frustrating. But I did get one memory back last night. It involved Harry, we were saying goodbye. Its good I can remember that now, isn't it?"

"Yes," doctor Evans said. "It is. It probably will all come back to you at some point, but the important thing is that you're getting better."

"Good," Ruth said. She sighed and suddenly looked uncomfortable.

"Something wrong?"

"I have an awkward question to ask," she said, biting her lip. "Physically, would I be okay… for sex?"

The doctors eyebrows flicked up in surprise but he recovered quickly, especially as her face was beetroot red. "Yes, as long as you're mindful of your injury, it should be fine. However, I feel like I should warn you that emotionally, until your memory returns, I would not advise it."

"No, I wasn't planning anything," Ruth said honestly. "I just wanted to have all the information, that's all. Thank you."

"I just hope you get well soon," the doctor said. "I'll see myself out." Ruth smiled as he left, mulling over the information she'd just been given. It was good to know she was healing well, even though she wished her memory would come back soon. She wanted to know more about Harry.

* * *

"So did the doctor tell you I'm not on bed rest anymore?" Ruth asked opening the fridge for the milk, half a smirk on her face.

"Bloody doctor doesn't know what he's talking about," Harry cursed under his breath. "Yes he mentioned it," he said in a normal voice. She smiled, knowing what he was thinking as she made herself a coffee.

"Want one?"

"No thanks," Harry said. "Sit down. Please," he added as she glared at him. She did and took a biscuit, thinking hard. "What is it?" Harry asked. "Have you remembered something?"

"No," she said quickly, knowing he'd got his hopes up. He looked so down that she covered his hand with her own and ran her thumb softly over the knuckles. He smiled at the touch and turned his hand over, entwining her fingers with his gently. It was a wonderful sensation for them both. "I want to talk to you. I want to know about you."

"What do you want to know?" he asked quietly, not wanting either the touch or the conversation to stall.

"Things I already know but that have been lost in my sieve of a memory," she said. "I want to know you."

"I shouldn't tell you…"

"Harry, please."

"But, I can't see what harm it would do," he added. "I hate you not knowing too. I've been married and I have two children. Catherine and Graham. Graham isn't really on speaking terms with me."

"Why not?" Ruth asked, her fingers still playing over his palm lightly.

"I wasn't a good father and he hasn't forgiven me as readily as his sister has."

"I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure you would have been a great father," she said.

"No Ruth," he said firmly. "I wasn't, and I wasn't a good husband either. But in both instances I learn from my mistakes. I wouldn't make them again."

"Why?"

He knew what she was asking. "I was young when I married and when I had kids. Too young and I thought that spying and saving the world every week was more important than my family. By the time I realised my priorities were off, it was too late. My children already hated me and I'd grown very distant from my wife." He paused before adding the next, unsure of how she'd take it. "And I had affairs which didn't help either."

"I'm not surprised it didn't help," she said tartly, but he was reassured by the fact that her fingers were still touching his.

"I'm not going to lie to you," he said shaking his head. "I never have and I won't now. I was not a good man then. But people do change," he reassured. She nodded, deep in thought. "You can ask me to leave," he said when the quiet got too much for him to bear. "I won't be offended or upset." He would be desperately disappointed but he didn't mention that.

"I don't want you to leave," she said honestly. "It's a lot to take in though."

"I know," he agreed.

"What changed?" she asked. "Changed you, I mean. Because I believe you've changed. What made you a different man? The type of man who'd try to look after an amnesiac who doesn't even remember you."

"Time and a lot of mistakes," he said. "Nothing more groundbreaking than that. And I care for you. Its not putting me out to look after you, I want to do it."

"I know that," she said with a smile. "Thank you for being honest with me."

"Thanks for still sitting here," he replied. "Plenty of women would have left or thrown me out by now."

"Plenty of women?" she queried with a raised eyebrow that made him hold back a laugh.

"Yes, but luckily I only care about your opinion, not any others of the female population."

"Good answer," she said. She squeezed his hand and then let go, feeling like any longer might be pushing it. She was unaware how bereft he felt as soon as her touch left him. He took his hand off of the table and wondered what it would feel like if she touched him elsewhere. No, stop that. Must stop thinking in that direction. Very dangerous.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for the reviews everyone. I've made Ruth a bit more forward than she was in spooks, but maybe if she had been HR would have been a bit happier...**

* * *

"Harry, where are we going?" Ruth asked from the passenger seat.

"I'm taking you out for lunch," he said. "I would be taking you out for dinner but I know that you fall asleep early, so I thought you'd enjoy lunch more."

"I realised that," she said. "I meant that we've been in the car for more than half an hour and there are quite a lot of restaurants in London."

"I've found a nice place," he said enigmatically. "You'll like it, trust me."

"I do trust you," she said, a lot more behind that than the talk of the choice of restaurant. He caught her eyes briefly before turning right and then pulling the car up outside what looked like a rather large cottage, nowhere that would serve food. "Where are we?"

"Come inside, and trust me." She nodded and followed him, feeling pleased when his arm went around her waist briefly as he knocked on the door.

"This is without a doubt the strangest place I've ever been to lunch, even with a bad memory," she said before the door opened and a middle aged woman smiled at them.

"Come in. Go on through."

"Thank you," Harry said, letting Ruth go first. She followed the woman through what still looked like a normal house to the door to the back garden. And then her mouth dropped open.

"Oh my God," she breathed. There were four tables set out in a beautiful garden, all of which were currently empty. A small river was running past in the distance, the sun sparkling off of it sending bright light all around them, trees and plants of all different varieties were dotted everywhere, it was absolutely stunning. She loved it instantly. "This is amazing."

"You don't have to say that," Harry said.

"No, really," she said. "Its perfect." He smiled and led her to the table, pulling out her chair like a perfect gentleman, and she smiled as she saw a yellow lily in a vase on the table while he sat down opposite her.

"How did you find this place?" Ruth asked as she was given a menu.

"I have access to one of the largest databases in the world at work," he said. "So it didn't take long but I wanted somewhere nice for you."

"Thank you," she said. Blushing slightly with the intensity of the look he gave her she turned her attention to the menu.

* * *

"Harry thank you," she said, picking up her wine glass now that she'd finished her dessert. "This has been wonderful."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," he said. "But don't drink too much because of your painkillers."

"I know," she said with a raised eyebrow. "You don't have to tell me."

"I'm overbearing and protective," he said. "Two of my many flaws, but since you died in my arms I don't think I can be blamed really."

"Fair enough," she conceded with a smile. His eyes were sparkling at her in the sunlight and she felt both her breath and her heart catch. Ruth's face suddenly went blank and she dropped her wine glass, which fell to the grass with a dull thump.

"Ruth? Oh God," he said instantly. He got up from his side of the table and immediately went over to her. "Are you in pain? Just breathe."

"No, I'm fine," she said slightly breathlessly. "You took me out to dinner. A beautiful restaurant and I was so nervous that night. The wine. You chose a white burgundy, my favourite. And when you took me home you kissed my cheek before saying goodnight. I so badly wanted you to kiss me properly but you didn't. That… was real wasn't it?"

"Yes," Harry said, feeling a lump come to his throat. "That happened."

"Why? Why didn't you kiss me?"

"I wanted to, badly," he admitted. "It had taken us about three years to come to that point. Maybe more. I didn't want to rush you," he said honestly. He didn't mention the truth that at the time he thought if he kissed her he'd never let her go. Which with Cotterdam happening so soon afterwards now seemed like a cruel twist of fate.

"You're looking at me strange," Ruth said as Harry took his seat once again.

"I'm thinking," he said. "I know its not your fault, but I find it very frustrating that you don't remember our history."

"You and me both Harry," she said sadly. "I've now ruined our beautiful lunch haven't I?"

"No," he said, smiling even though it took a lot of effort to look natural. "Shall I take you home?"

"Yes, but first I'd…"

"Go on."

"I'd rather like that kiss you owe me from back then." She blushed, the only sign that she wasn't as confident as she appeared. He smiled, easier this time. He got up and leaned over her, pressing his lips to hers very briefly.

"That's all you're getting while we're an a restaurant. Albeit an unconventional one."

"Spoilsport," she said with a raised eyebrow. But she got up too, holding her jacket as they headed back to the car.

* * *

That night Harry was woken a few hours earlier than he'd have liked by Ruth shouting out in her sleep. Quickly pulling his shirt on and buttoning it to cover his decency he went into her bedroom and saw her thrashing around in bed.

"No… please don't," she moaned. "You're hurting me… don't!"

"Ruth its okay," he said quietly.

"Oh God!" He reached over and put a hand through her hair, trying to soothe her and was both surprised and pleased when she quietened. He kissed her temple and then moved away from her.

"No don't leave me," she said, reaching back for him. "Please. Stay with me."

He wasn't entirely sure whether she was still dreaming and he paused, wondering what on earth could possibly be the best course of action for him to take. "Don't leave me Harry," she whispered. She turned and the moonlight showed that her eyes were still closed. Making a snap decision he hoped not to regret come morning, he got into bed next to her. As soon as he did, she rolled closer to him and he got a tantalising view down the neck of her nightshirt and saw that she wasn't wearing a bra. He swallowed uncomfortably and closed his eyes to resist temptation. Needless to say, he did not sleep well that night.

* * *

Ruth woke up feeling warm, happy and comfortable. She thought hard but no new memories were coming to her so she opened her eyes and then jumped. Harry was next to her. In her bed. Oh God, she dearly hoped she hadn't missed anything noteworthy the night before. Rubbing her eyes she smiled and decided to take advantage of the unexpected opportunity. She gently put her fingers on the parting of his shirt and whispered in his ear.

"Harry?"

"Mm?" he said. Opening his eyes slowly he looked at Ruth and then the smile on his face faded slightly.

"Not that I mind," she started. "But why exactly are you in my bed?"

"You were shouting in your sleep," he said. "You asked me to stay." As he spoke he realised how weak it sounded and started to backtrack. "Never mind, I'll leave you alone. I shouldn't have slept here."

"No don't," she said instantly. "It was a nice surprise to wake up with you here. Next to me."

"Really?" he asked, unable to hide how pleased that made him.

"Absolutely," she said, her eyes sparkling. She leaned over him and kissed him softly. Which then turned much more passionate and she moaned in his mouth as his hands tightened around her. She pushed her palm against his chest, under his shirt and was heading steadily southwards before he pulled away.

"No…" he whispered at her. "We shouldn't. I… can't."

"Harry?" she said, drawing back from him so she could look in his eyes. "I'm not stupid. I know what I want. Who I want, I should say. My personality hasn't changed, just because most of my memories have gone. I know what I feel for you so can you please stop trying to do the decent and proper thing?"

"Ruth, there are only so many times a man can say no to you," he murmured as she kissed him again.

"I know," she said with a mischievous smile. "That's what I'm counting on." He kissed her again, tongue exploring her mouth as his hand found her scar. Slowing he stopped, thumb brushing over the wound slightly and very gently. "Its fine," she said. "The doctor cleared me, I'll be okay."

"So… you've been thinking about this for a while?" Harry asked in a low voice like a growl, with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes," she admitted, blushing vividly red. "I wanted all the facts, that's all." He kissed her, already feeling the beginnings of arousal and gasped in surprise as she rolled on top of him. He groaned as she pushed her hips towards him. Leaning over him, her hair brushed against him. "I want this Harry." He nodded, and didn't need any more persuasion than that.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks everyone for the great reviews. I might be pushing the rating up to a slight M with the start of this chapter but I hope its okay.**

* * *

When it was over Ruth collapsed next to him and fell asleep almost instantly. He turned on his side and stroked her hair gently, deep in thought. She had been even more beautiful than he had imagined before he had seen her naked. And he had imagined it so many times before. He studied the curve of her neck, her collarbone and the swell of her breasts before the duvet covered the rest of her. She still had a light sheen of sweat over her body, a testament to what they'd just shared, but her breathing had returned to normal. A deep even rhythm of sleep that reassured him, in spite of his doubts about the wisdom of his decision to sleep with her.

But now, instead of doubts he was committing to memory everything that had just happened. The way she had moved and kissed him. The little moans of satisfaction she made as he fed her passion. The way she'd gasped and pushed towards him as he touched her intimately. How her legs tightened around him, muscles flexing against his skin. The way she'd whispered his name, begging for more. The fact that when her second climax had been approaching she'd bit his lip hard enough to draw blood and was so caught up in emotion that she hadn't even noticed. How when she'd had enough teasing, she'd gripped his erection and guided him inside her tight warmth very quickly.

Harry shook his head, trying to clear images from his mind which were getting him hard all over again. He decided to get up, because being in bed with a naked Ruth was making him want her again, and no matter how much she insisted she'd recovered, twice in one morning was too much for her. He kissed her cheek and got out of bed as she murmured "oh Harry…" to herself. He fought against the arousal she was giving him and eventually found a scrap of paper. He wrote a quick note for her, because he didn't want her to think he was the type of man who would just have sex with her and then leave.

_You need some sleep. I'll be downstairs if you need me, I didn't want to disturb you. H xxx_

He wondered if he should add something like "that was amazing" but refrained as he thought that might be pushing it slightly. Better said in person. He put the note on her pillow and gathered his discarded clothes on her bedroom floor.

* * *

Ruth eventually woke up, feeling very happy. She stretched and then opened her eyes, surprised to find no Harry in sight. Then she saw the time. Midday. She had slept for longer than she anticipated. Her hand found the note and she smiled. Stifling a yawn, she got up and wrapped her dressing gown around her, heading downstairs to try and find Harry. She found him in front of the cooker, his back to her and she smiled. She walked closer to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, kissing his neck softly. "Thank you," she whispered.

"What for?" he asked slightly confused.

"For listening to my wishes rather than what you were convinced was right," she said.

"Well I was half thinking you were going to wake up and hate me," he admitted, turning to face her.

"It was that bad?" she asked, a hint of worry now clouding her face.

"No," he reassured her quickly, squeezing her hand. "That good." She kissed him slowly and softly

"What are you cooking?" she asked, changing the subject to slightly safer waters as she sat down at the kitchen table.

"Its only pasta," he said. "I was going to wake you in a minute.

"I have a question for you," she asked as he started to plate up their lunch. Harry nodded and she continued. "How is it that you're always here? What about your job?"

"I quit," he said briefly.

"What? Why?"

"Because you asked me to. Before you were stabbed, you asked me to."

"But why?" she asked as he sat opposite her. "What was the point?"

Harry sighed and wondered how he was going to explain this to her. "It's a really long story," he ended up saying. "And if I try to explain it to you it will probably all come out wrong, so I'm not going to try."

"Okay," Ruth said slowly. She could tell from both his face and the tone he used that arguing would be pointless so she wasn't going to bother. "This is really good," she added as she started eating her meal. Harry smiled at her.

"What can you tell me about Lucas North?"

"Why?" Harry asked, paying close attention to her as her blue eyes sparkled.

"Its what I dreamed of last night," she said. "Not much at all, and its completely unlike my other memories."

"Because it didn't have me in?" Harry teased. She smiled slightly but then continued.

"Its because it has more blackness and fogginess than anything else," she said. "He's in a room with me, and we're talking about you. Then I feel a sharp pain in my arm, and everything goes away. Its all black and there's nothing else there."

"The blackness won't fade," he said slowly. "Lucas took you and injected you with an anaesthetic, knocking you out. You had four hours before you overdosed and your heart would stop. That's how long I had to find you."

"What happened?" she asked eagerly

"I found you," he said shortly.

"But…"

"Lucas wanted to trade a state secret for your life," Harry said, explaining as best he could. "I gave it to him because I couldn't bear to lose you. In effect I made myself a traitor so you would stay alive. I still don't regret that Ruth."

"How did you escape prison if you're a traitor?"

"I knew too much," he said. "They couldn't have brought me down like that. I got suspended but you were alive."

"Was I really worth that to you?" she asked confused. "Your career. Possibly your freedom. I couldn't be valued higher than national security Harry. How could you justify that?"

"You said something similar when you came to see me after I saved you," Harry said with sadness. "You seemed to think that you weren't worth that. That I wasn't the man you knew because Harry Pearce wouldn't give away anything to save just one persons life. You clearly thought me a principled man and I let you down on that score, even though it saved your life." Ruth pushed her fork around her plate thinking hard. Something else had occurred to Harry though, which he hadn't given a lot of thought to before. "You said you talked to Lucas about me."

"I did," she said. "I told him that you wouldn't come for me. Lucas was convinced that you would. He told me that I always underestimate myself."

"That is true," Harry said with a smile. She smiled back and some of the seriousness was broken. Ruth smiled while her brain was working overtime. In that recently recovered memory she had also told Lucas that Harry had asked her to marry him and she'd turned him down. What she didn't know was how he had proposed, and why she'd said no. It was very frustrating, and without all the information she couldn't make a proper decision about whether she had been wrong or the timing had just been off for them to marry. "What is it?" he asked, noticing her mind wasn't completely in the present.

"Trying to remember," she said with half a smile. "That's all."


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the delay! I hope you all like it though, now its finally up.**

* * *

That evening they were both curled up in the sofa watching the TV when Ruth failed to stifle a yawn. "You should get to bed," he said, switching the television off.

"I've had so much sleep recently I feel like an old woman," Ruth complained.

"I seem to remember that I know how to make you feel like you're not," Harry said with a cheeky smile and a growl in his voice. She laughed, squeezing his hand.

"Can you come up to bed with me?"

"I wasn't serious Ruth," he said quickly backtracking. "I know you need your rest."

"Harry, I'd just like you to hold me," she said. "That's all. If you don't mind?"

"Of course not," he said. "I'd love to." She smiled and got up, both of them heading to her bedroom. Settling in her bed, Harry wrapped his arms around her waist, always mindful of her injury. She closed her eyes, still smiling and a strand of hair fluttered over her face. Harry carefully moved it back.

"I've always loved your hair," he said. "I always imagined running my hands through it when we were at work." He proceeded to do just that as her eyes opened, watching him.

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"My dads dead isn't he?"

"Do you remember?"

"I remember coming home from school," she said slowly. "My mum told me… that he'd died. That's all I have."

"I can't say for sure, but I know your father did die. You were eleven, so that's probably a real memory."

"Hmm," Ruth said to herself sadly. "Oh that's nice," she added as his hand started stroking her back repeatedly, his thumb going round in soothing circles. She moved forward and kissed him softly, not a kiss of passion, just a reassuring embrace which he returned. "Goodnight Harry."

"Goodnight Ruth," he said, kissing her once more before she turned over and went to sleep.

* * *

Harry woke up first and smiled, seeing Ruth still in his arms. He loved this and wanted to treasure every moment possible. It had been far too many years in the making. He pulled her close and gave her body a slight squeeze. He felt his heart drop as she woke up in his arms. He hadn't meant to wake her.

"Sorry," he whispered as her eyes fluttered open. "Go back to sleep. I didn't mean to disturb you."

"Harry?" she said, her face freezing. "Oh my God. It's… it's all there."

"Your memory?" Harry asked quickly. "Really?"

"Yeah," she said sitting up. "Oh my God." She smiled. "It really is there."

"That is incredibly good news," he said smiling.

"Well, almost all of it, I should say."

"What's missing?" he said.

"When Sasha stabbed me," she said. "I can remember him coming at me, but I can't seem to remember how it felt when he tried to kill me or what happened after that."

"But, everything else?" he questioned eagerly.

"Yeah," she said slightly breathlessly, her eyes wide with wonder. "Oh I'm so glad. I have everything again!"

"Do you remember what happened since you woke up in hospital?" he asked.

"Every detail," she said, her eyes burning into his, very seriously.

"I'm so sorry," he said instantly. "I should never have done that. God, how could you ever forgive me."

"Slow down," Ruth said, her hand on his arm, trying to stop him from rushing on and making her head spin. "What are you talking about?"

"I shouldn't have slept with you," he said shaking his head. "I knew I shouldn't have at the time. I couldn't help myself."

"Harry, are you under the impression that I'm… upset with you?" His silence was as good as confirmation. "I'm not," she said. "I can now appreciate how long it took to get there, that's the only difference now I can remember."

"You're really fine with it?" he asked, squeezing her hand in spite of himself.

"Harry, yesterday I thought that it was the best moment of my life, even with a bad memory," she said. "With everything else now coming back to me, I still think its one of the best moments of my life. I hope you don't regret it, because I certainly don't."

"No," he said quickly and earnestly. "I promise you, I do not regret it."

"Good." She smiled and leaned back in bed, her eyes open as she relieved everything now filling her mind. "What happened after Sasha stabbed me?"

"You collapsed," Harry said, holding her close. "You told me you couldn't breathe and I tried to keep you talking. You told me about the house you'd bought for us. The green front door that you didn't want to change. I told you we'd have a life together. Then you stopped breathing. You died in my arms. But we got you back. Here you are."

"I'm sorry for asking," she said. "I can see from your face its painful."

"Very," he said. "You needed to know though." They lapsed into silence and Harry had to bring up something which had been bothering him, now she had her memory back. "I need to ask. Do you blame me for George? And Elena?"

"George was never your fault," she said slowly. "I never blamed you. Well, only for a couple of days when I was angry and upset. You couldn't have done anything to stop it. Elena… It isn't that you slept with her, or had an ongoing relationship with a Russian. It worries me that you had a long affair while you were married. That does… concern me, Harry. I don't like that you hid it from me, but I got over that. You were ashamed, you told me that and I understand it, even though I don't like it. If we ever got married, or even just had a relationship how could I know that you wouldn't do it again?"

"Because I hope you can trust me," Harry said.

"I do," she said. "Did your first wife say the same?"

"It sounds like you want to get married," he said with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

"I'm not hinting at that, and don't try to change the subject."

Harry sighed and made sure he was holding her hand before he continued. "I was never in love with Elena," he said. "She was exotic and beautiful. I needed an asset inside the Russian embassy and I had her marked as my way in. I was foolish to continue a relationship with her, but I was young and stupid. I'm not trying to make excuses, its just the way it was. I cheated on my wife a lot and I regret it. I'd never cheat on you."

"I know you say that now…"

"I mean it," he said. "Before the other morning, I hadn't slept with a woman in eight years. I only want you. I don't want anyone else, and I never will."

She smiled, feeling that he genuinely meant it and kissed him. His hands went around her waist, tightening his grip. He always had a fear of letting her go, meaning he always kept hold of her. "Harry?"

"Mm," he whispered interrupting the conversation for another kiss.

"I love you." She didn't feel as scared as she thought she would by saying those words to him. He kissed her passionately and deeply, making her breathless.

"I love you too," he whispered. "Always have. I just didn't want to tell you when you couldn't remember."

"Fair enough," she said. "Oh!" she moaned as his hand had drifted down to deliciously inappropriate places. "Can we spend the rest of the day in bed?"

"When you ask me that, would I ever say no?"


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks for the reviews everyone! Right, this fic is coming to an end, I just don't know how to finish it! This is the last chapter i think, apart from the epilogue. Enjoy!**

* * *

A few days later Ruth woke up feeling loved and happy. She slid her hand over the other side of the bed and felt the emptiness. She sat up and opened her eyes, still seeing no Harry. Over the past few days Harry and herself had been spending an awful lot of time in bed, talking, comforting each other and of course making love. They'd only got up to get more food and had been living on a lot of toast. She guessed that the honeymoon period would come to an end eventually but she still expected and hoped to wake up next to him most days for the rest of her life. She got up and wrapped herself in one of Harry's discarded shirts, still lying on the bedroom floor and buttoned it up loosely. Walking downstairs she found him in the kitchen, his back to her and talking on the phone. She refrained from wrapping her arms around him, wondering if distracting him on an important call might be pushing it.

"No, of course not sweetheart," he said into the phone. "I'm not upset or angry. I'm actually really pleased you called me." A pause and then he continued. "Darling, I know I've been out of contact for a few days. Sorry. Something important came up." Ruth now had a vague suspicion who he was talking to. "No, not work exactly," he said. "Its complicated. Yes. Sure. I'll see you next week. Bye. Love you too." Harry put the phone down and sighed.

"Have you got another woman?" Ruth teased from behind him. He turned and smiled at her, knowing she wasn't being serious.

"Its Catherine," he said, telling her what she already knew.

"How is she?" Ruth asked grabbing herself a mug of coffee.

"She's pregnant," Harry said shortly. Ruth dropped her mug.

"Oh God," she said, trying to ignore the broken shards of crockery now littering the floor and her bare feet.

"Don't move," Harry said firmly, seeing the fragments on her feet. He quickly got the dustpan and brush. "Yes, that was my first reaction. I think she told me over the phone so she had the option of hanging up on me if I took it badly."

"Please tell me you didn't make her slam the phone down," Ruth said as Harry straightened up and put the broken mug in the bin.

"Once I'd got my jaw off of the floor and put my brain in gear I managed to say something that didn't make her hate me."

"How can I put this delicately…" Ruth said to herself. "The father of her child?"

"She isn't telling me, but they aren't together," Harry said darkly. "She probably knows I'll hunt him down and kill him if she told me who it is."

"Is she happy with this?" Ruth asked, trying to be delicate but at the same time wanting to know more.

"Yes, she's four months gone," Harry said. "She sounded happy."

"Good," Ruth said, breathing a sigh of relief. Harry stood stock still, clearly thinking hard about this latest family development.

"…Ruth?" he said slowly. She looked up from pouring her second mug of coffee, determined to hold onto it this time. "Are we… being careful?" he asked.

"Yes Harry," she said simply, a smile on her face. "We are being careful. Even though this is the first time you've thought of it, I have been paying attention. I'm on the pill."

"Since when?" he asked, genuinely curious.

"Er…" she started thinking. "I started about three months ago."

"Three months?" Harry repeated, completely thrown.

"Well…" she tailed off blushing. "Things between us were getting… tense after the enquiry. I just got the prescription, that's all. When I found them after I lost my memory, I kept taking them. Just in case."

"So you're telling me, I could have had you any time in the last few months?" Harry said completely thrown.

"You're making me sound a little easy," Ruth said, her brow furrowed in slight anger.

"I didn't mean it like that," he said instantly. "I meant that…" he tailed off, having no idea what to say to make this any better. "I've dug myself into a big hole haven't I? One I'm not getting out of."

"Yes you have," Ruth said harshly, sticking two slices of bread in the toaster. She got a wicked smile on her face before adding the next word. "Granddad."

"Oh God," he moaned quietly. "I hadn't thought that I was going to be a grandfather. That hadn't actually sunk in. Jesus Christ" Ruth laughed at him and got a knife out of the draw and the butter from the fridge. "You're not going to stab me with that are you?"

"It's a butter knife," she said as the toast popped up. "How much damage could I do?"

"I don't like to imagine," Harry said darkly, and she softened towards him in spite of herself. He could tell and wrapped her in his arms. He kissed the top of her hair as she snuggled into his chest that smelt so wonderful. He kissed her temple and then the corner of her eye. Her cheek, the tip of her nose, the corner of her mouth, her jaw until he kissed her full on the lips.

"All right," she said. "I'm not mad anymore."

"Good," he said, and then he kissed her for a good long while until they'd both forgotten the conversation in the first place.

* * *

Later that night Ruth was stood by the kitchen window staring out of the window, deep in thought. Or so it appeared to Harry. He walked up behind her and kissed her neck, feeling her smile against him. "You okay?" he asked.

"Mm," she agreed. "Watching the balloon." Harry looked out of the window and saw a red hot air balloon in the distance. Rarely seen over London, but beautiful anyway.

"Ah!"

Harry looked at her in concern as she sat down, her hand on her injury. "Do you want your painkillers?" Harry asked quickly.

"Please," she breathed. Hiding the worst of his worry, he got them for her and handed her a glass of water.

"Do you need a doctor?" he asked.

"No," she said. "I've just been overdoing it a bit." She swallowed her tablets and looked at him. "Really I'm fine. And its not as if I spend all night sleeping is it? Not that I'm complaining mind you." He kissed her hair with a smile.

"I should go home," he said.

"That's not what I meant," she said instantly.

"No, but poor Scarlet's been starved for company this week," Harry said. "As much as I'm enjoying spending time with you I think I should give Erin a break from feeding the poor thing. I asked her to do it when you were in hospital, and then I got caught up in… everything."

"Sure," Ruth said. "I guess I'm sleeping alone then."

"One night won't hurt," Harry said. He left her with a slow lingering kiss. She smiled as he closed her front door, feeling happy and loved, even if her stab wound was causing her a slight twinge of pain.


	12. Five months later

**Last chapter, Thanks everyone!**

* * *

**5 Months later.**

"Not a chance in hell," Ruth said as she opened the drivers door while Harry reluctantly got into the passenger seat.

"Ruth…"

"Harry, you're not driving," she said firmly. "You've had a whisky, you're distracted and I don't want to die because you're speeding to get to the hospital. Have we got that settled?"

"Just start the engine and stop arguing your corner," Harry grumbled. Ruth smiled and did as he asked, starting to drive towards the hospital.

"Stop worrying," Ruth said as the silence became too much. "She's going to be fine."

"Rationally I know that," Harry said. "It doesn't stop me from being terrified. I mean… my baby girl is in labour, I'm allowed to panic."

"She's not your baby girl anymore," Ruth said in a calm voice. "She's just about to have one."

"You don't know that," Harry said. "It could be a boy. And she'll always be my little girl Ruth."

"I know," she said. "She won't want you anywhere near her until the baby's born, I hope you know that."

"What do you mean?" Harry asked.

"She'll be in pain, she's trying to get a seven pound child out of her body, she won't want her father in the room."

"How are you so sure?" he asked. He wasn't arguing with her, but he simply wanted to keep her talking.

"I wouldn't want you in there with me and you're my husband," she said surely. "If I was in labour, do you really think I'd want you to see me firstly in pain, secondly looking very unattractive while I scream and try and get a child out of my body?" She fell silent, turned right and continued to drive in the quietness of the night.

"Ruth?" he asked after the quiet got too much. "This is… hypothetical isn't it?" She threw him a brief glance. "I mean… you're not…?"

"No, Harry I'm not pregnant," she said briefly. "You don't want any more children."

"When did I say that?" he asked, completely thrown.

"Er… about eight years ago," she said. "We thought Catherine was involved in the November committee and I overheard you talking to Adam. You said never again. Two children were more than enough for you."

"I have no memory of that whatsoever," Harry said. "Anyway, I was upset. We thought Catherine was in danger remember?"

"I know," Ruth said calmly. "Look its fine. We're both getting up there in years, you don't have to want more children. I knew that when I married you."

"Ruth, you're not even letting me have a say," he interrupted quickly. "You're taking me at my word, about something I said eight years ago in the heat of the moment."

She looked at him intensely for a moment. "Are you telling me you want more children?"

He paused before replying, knowing how much was dependent on his answer.

"Children? In the plural? No, but I think having one with you would be something rather special." She blushed at the low voice he used, but smiled at the same time. "But only if you want to. I don't want to insist."

"I'd like a little girl," she admitted, focusing on the road intently. Harry nodded, reached over and squeezed her thigh gently. Her breath caught in her throat before she spoke again. "We'll be there in ten minutes."

* * *

Harry raced up to the receptionist and it was all Ruth could do to keep up with him.

"Catherine Pearce?"

"And you are?"

"Her father," Harry said in a menacing voice as Ruth put her hand on his arm for comfort.  
The receptionist flicked through her clipboard. "Room 243, she's resting."

"She's had the… I mean, she… But…"

"What my husband means to ask, is she's had the baby?"

"Yes," the receptionist said, her face lighting into a smile for the first time. "Room 243. To the left and then veer right until you get to maternity. Shouldn't be hard to find after that."

"Thank you," Ruth said as Harry seemed a little lost for words. They followed her directions and it didn't take long for them to find her. Looking through the window they saw she was asleep so very quietly they opened the door and then Harry's attention was caught by the cot at the foot of her bed. A baby with a blue hat and blue eyes was staring at them.

"A boy then," Ruth whispered, so as not to disturb Catherine. Harry smiled at the baby who started grizzling quietly. Out of instinct Harry picked the boy up and rocked him in his arms.

"None of that, your mum needs her rest handsome, okay?" The baby's eyes went wide, taking in this new person but his immediate crying had been warded off for the time being. "Right, do you have a name little man?" Harry reached for the hospital ring on the boys wrist, but all it said was baby Pearce. No first name for the time being. Ruth watched her husband coo over the little boy and she felt a lump in her throat. She dearly wanted her and Harry to have a child, and after their discussion, the possibility was there. It was impractical at their age, but the hope was most definitely there. Harry looked up and saw the wistfulness in her eyes.

"Do you want to hold him?"

"Yes, but I won't," Ruth said. "Not until Catherine says I can." Harry looked at her with a raised eyebrow so she elaborated. "I've only known Catherine five months, I'm not going to pick up her child until she tells me I can." Harry nodded, even though he knew Catherine wouldn't have minded and kept cradling the baby.

"Hi," Catherine said weakly as she opened her eyes.

"Hi sweetheart," Harry said, tearing his eyes off of his grandson. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore but okay," she said, sitting up, a tired smile on her face. "Hi Ruth."

"Hi," she replied, smiling back. "Does the little one have a name yet?"

"Yeah," Catherine said. "Michael. Michael Henry Pearce." Harry looked at his daughter in shock. "Don't you dare drop him dad!" she said instantly as he was clearly caught off guard.

"Of course I'm not going to drop my grandson," Harry said indignantly. "Are you sure? About the name?"

"Yes," she said. "When I was in Lebanon and the bomb exploded, if it hadn't have been for you, I'd have died. I wouldn't have got the blood transfusion I needed and there'd be no baby to name. So yes. I'm sure."

Harry tried to pretend tears weren't pooling in his eyes, but both his wife and his daughter saw through this. Ruth looked at her stepdaughter. "Can I… hold him?"

"Of course," Catherine said with a smile. Harry handed the baby over and Ruth took him in her arms, already loving this new addition to her somewhat unconventional family.

"About Michael's father…" Harry started.

"Dad!"

"Harry," Ruth added in a warning tone.

"I just want you to know, that if… whoever it is starts turning up on your doorstep giving you and Michael problems… call me and I'll sort it out for you. Without killing anyone," he added to Ruth's unspoken worry.

"Thanks dad," she said with a grin. Her eyes went heavy and pretty soon she had fallen asleep again. Ruth still held the child who was drifting into sleep similar to his mother.

"He's gorgeous," Ruth said.

"So are you," he said with happiness. He looked at Catherine, making sure she was asleep before he whispered in her ear. "And you'll make a great mother." She blushed and turned her attention back to the new arrival, the whole world alight with possibility.

THE END


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